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Newbie September 2021 Queensland

Is It Cold Feet?

Amanda, on August 7, 2021 at 22:26 Posted in Before the wedding 0 4

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Ok, so im very nervous and anxious to even open up about this. I have been with my partner for 16yrs. Long story short there has been alot of discussion about marriage. We have a beautiful 5 1/2yr old daughter. We are going on a trip with friends and my partner after lots of discussion suggested we elope on the trip. Not exactly how I pictured getting married but when do things ever go to plan? So I agreed.

Well only recently have I been second guessing myself. I tried talking to him but he just seemed to get frustrated and upset (this was through messenger- I asked to talk in person and he said he prob won't and then continued to talk in messenger though). Basically to narrow it down, I asked if he wanted to marry me because I didn't want him to resent me. He keeps telling people who ask that it's important to me to get married so that's why his doing it. I think it's great his doing something that's important to me but I don't want him to resent me. I also am starting to hate him saying that. I always dreamed that the man of my dreams would be waiting at the end of the aisle excited to marry me. Also the fact it seems and I qoute him 'I over used my emotional drama so he has become insensitive to my emotional emotions'. If it's something physical and he can see me in pain or my pet in pain his great but something like this, he just thinks I'm being ridiclious and should be grateful that his now giving me what I want. Anyway just wanted your guys opinions, out of respect for him I thought I would ask on here and only few people know we are eloping and partner doesn't like when I air our dirty laundry to family and friends. I just wanted to know people's opinions if this is cold feet or something for cause for concern?

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4 Comments

Latest activity by Megan, on August 9, 2021 at 10:43

Frequent user July 2023 Ontario
Megan · On August 9, 2021 at 10:43
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I'm really sorry you're going through this!
I agree with the others that you should talk to him in person and maybe look at counselling. I don't know if this is something you can resolve in a month's time so maybe talk to him about postponing the elopement.
I think you need to be upfront and clear that you are not okay with being told you are too emotional, that he's numb to your feelings, etc. I think sometimes people think that getting married or staying married is best for the kids and I don't think that's always the case. If you two are not happy, she will see that.
Wishing you luck and I really hope you find happiness with or without him!
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Frequent user October 2021 Alberta
Gift · On August 8, 2021 at 11:51
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Hello Amanda,
Thank you for sharing. The fact that getting married is so important to you and not as important to him tells me you might have problems down the road if you do get married. Whatever his reason for not wanting to get married is, he has to be completely open and honest with you about it. He may have a different perspective on what marriage means, that’s why it’s important you both have this conversation.
It’s very important to have a face-to-face conversation about this. For a commitment this huge as marriage, conversation over messenger doesn’t cut it. I also think it’s a red flag being insensitive to your emotions. I fear that could be a recipe for issues down the road because as Christiana said, you don’t want someone dismissing the way you feel. In my opinion, if you decide to get married because it’s something that only you wants, it could definitely lead to resentment from both of you. Marriage isn’t a kind of thing to enter into lightly on either partner’s part. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I hope you two can work it out *Hugs*
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Newbie September 2021 Queensland
Amanda · On August 8, 2021 at 00:49
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Thank you. I appreciate your honest feedback. It's partially how I feel. Do i really want to marry someone who is insensitive to my feelings, who won't let me turn to family / friends. I mean we have made huge progress with alot of our issues and I know no realtionship is perfect but I guess like you said I'm seeing red.
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Super November 2020 British Columbia
Christiana · On August 7, 2021 at 22:54
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It sounds like you are not communicating well at all. Whether or not you want to get married is obviously not something that should be discussed over messenger so you should definitely have a face to face discussion about this. It's also a bit of a red flag that he's saying he's insensitive to your emotions because of your emotional 'drama'. You don't want to be with someone who dismisses your emotions and calls you dramatic - that isn't healthy. I would personally consider counselling to try to work through these issues and determine whether or not you will actually be compatible partners. Especially because you have a child together.
It's also a red flag in my opinion that your partner doesn't like or doesn't want you asking friends/family for advice on this sort of thing. If he refuses to talk to you about these issues, then who are you supposed to turn to? I do think that you and him should be discussing these things first and if you're able to work things out yourselves then it's fine to keep things private, but you also need an outside support system.
Just a few things to consider. But I really think you should sort out these issues before you get married even if that means not eloping on this trip.
Good luck!
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