Including the parents/in-laws with planning

View quoted message Yup! I recently realized I ordered the wrong size invites and luckily vista let me re order with crediting original but I knew if didn’t I wouldn’t hear end of it cuz his family has no issue with pointing out my mistakes. My FH said who cares about side and all that doesn’t matter.

I'm in the same boat. I'd just rather do it myself on my own schedule instead of coordinating with other people..and when I do include them in decisions I get "are you sure you want to do that?" "I don't like that, I think you could do something different" etc. And now that I've included them they've taken over and are calling me daily to ask me to reconsider things we've already decided.
I think you've included them enough. Learn from my mistake and continue quietly going about your wedding planning. Less headaches and stress that way!!

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Thanks Bianca Going to try!

I think it’s fine not involving too many people with the details of your planning. It sounds like you’ve given an inch with some things (like the invitations) and your FSIL took it a mile.
I’m also very independent when planning my wedding because of wanting things done right too. I’ve come to terms with the fact that not everyone will love it, but that’s their problem; not mine. Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely tried to involve FH’s family in planning but either their vision didn’t match mine and/or they were trying to get me to spend more than necessary.

Just keep planning your wedding your way and know at the end of the day it will be how you want.

It usually depends how close you are with the parents as to how involved they are in all of it. My Dad is super close with both of us and we are storing a bunch of stuff at his house so he sees us working on stuff and gives his opinion. My dad is very much like me so I usually agree with him and it works out but I also seek out his advice on a lot of stuff because of it. My mom is not close with either of us and his parents aren't as close with us either so we don't include the 3 of them in the planning very much.

I find that showing his mom final decisions we have made (final design of invitations, card box, and cake design) made her happy and made her feel included without giving her the say over anything.

You could ask then to host a game/activity at the buck and doe to try and include them that way?

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Definitely!! When my parents ask me about specific parts of my wedding, I give them ideas of what I'm thinking, even if I have finalized that detail!

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Haha yes 100% of the time people do that! When I am not looking for a reply I get one regardless

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You're welcome! Yes for sure. So much easier to just say yes and then do what you want anyways haha

Honestly....I don't really offer up our plans to anyone, even parents, unless they specifically ask. I have found that when I share details, people give their unwanted opinions haha.

I also don't really like asking for help, so if I'm not involving parents, its mostly for that reason. But they haven't offered to help, so.....

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Thanks Allison Ill going to try in the future to share but not overshare if think will result in negative ways.

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Thank you Vinod When we had an engagement party I got all the parents either beer or wine glasses with saying their title.

I am hoping after the buck and doe, things will quiet down and with showers after that coming up they will feel more involved since hosting them.

I haven't bought gifts for them yet, but wanting to! I am seeing the reception venue for more idea's on decore in May. I will see if FH mom wants to come along with my mom

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THank you Seleena Appreciate the feedback and didn't think of that response lol just thought of saying no which causes argument ahah

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Haha very true! I was talking to my mom about the backlash from his side and she said you don't even tell me much so what makes them think would be any different for them lol Felt bad but shes like I know your independent and do things your way so no bother trying to change it.

I personally think you've included them enough already. My parents know of the theme and have helped with decor but I've also told them I have final say. I've shown them ideas I have for certain aspects but other things I've kept hidden since I know my mom might not like something (i.e. online bridesmaid's dresses).

I get not wanting to share because it's what you and your FH want, not anyone else. But, maybe there's a way to compromise and share some ideas but not final details, etc.

This is a difficult case of having family/in laws getting involved when they want to know what's going on and aspects of the wedding. You can say what's done and theme based so they know if your parents and his parents need to go shopping, they can either match or get something in that colour range apart from the bridesmaid.

As for the invitations, we as Indians, always give our parents first to let them see and if they like it or something could be done better in a sense of view. Your SIL shouldn't have showed it to others without asking you. The idea of you keeping your invitation is to have it and then let your bridesmaid see it when you get together. The other bridesmaid not feeling involved can do so by giving her something to do as a project you need done.

I like your idea for the parents shirts for the Buck & Doe and collecting raffle tickets to be involved. See if they would like to wear corsage and the men boutonniere so they can look good and outstanding in the wedding.

I know we always get the family involved by asking the bride/groom if they need anything we may have extra giving them as a helping hand or during the ceremony to help in any way possible.

My parents bought my wedding outfit when I got married and bought me a new car as a gift upgrading from what I had. There is always an appreciation given to them and to ask them anything you feel is needed\cut from the budget. This goes without having them on the financial prospect of paying or not.

My in-laws helped during the reception time and that was by putting the water beads and immersable lights in the vases and the proper colours based to the tables. It was one thing less to worry about and knowing they were helpful with that. My aunt in law asked what colour dress she should get since she was going shopping for herself.

View quoted message Don’t get me wrong, I would’ve taken the help if offered. LOL. I get really hurt too when I get excited about something and there is negative responses. The relationship with my in-laws is really strained, so they haven’t really asked too much lately. My mom is more negative, so her responses drive me nuts. haha. Even if people do help with paying for the wedding, they should not assume they get a say in what happens Or who is invited. Neither of our parents gave us a list of who they wanted invited. Which is good because I wouldn’t have done it ha ha

Your future in laws sound like mine 😒 in the beginning i included them in a lot, but our styles are completely opposite and to be honest, i was more just telling them what i was doing, not really getting them to help. i later found out they were saying some pretty nasty stuff behind my back about me and the wedding, saying i was only interested in spending money when it comes to the wedding (they haven’t offered us one pepenny to help with the wedding. i might add). so now i don’t include them in anything. screw it. i told my FH that it’s his job to keep them posted, and if they have questions, they can ask him.

From the sounds of it, you have included them in a ton of things already. If you really want to include them, but don't really agree with what they are suggesting, you could just say you'll think about it but then choose what you wanted. This way, they have some involvement with everything, but you ultimately have the choice.

I live on the other side of the country from all of my family, so I've been doing everything myself. My parents have given me money to help out, but they don't have any deciding factors on what I will do. I will send pictures of the venue I chose, my dress and some small details about the wedding. My FH parents have not been involved in anything, and they don't even ask so that makes it easy!

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Oh I agree. I stopped going directly to them. If anything needs to be passed through them I get my FH to do it. If they are not willingly involved, don't worry about it.

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Thanks Kelsie! Like the main people if I show anyone now the people I know would give me a positive response and if they have any suggestions they said it in a very polite way not straight out I hate that idea. I just want it to be a happy experience instead of constant negativity

I find this hard also. My parents are providing funding for our wedding, his parents gave him money to use for a wedding or school and he used it for school.

We still live with our parents. The problem is his parents think more frugally than I. So when we first showed them the venue they were very unhappy. So I’m always hesitant to show more stuff. Why have people unhappy ?!

I get my FH to involve his parents. We give them details as they come, I.e, we booked the cake today here’s what it looks like, etc. They went suit shopping with him.

Do what you can - don’t feel bad!

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My parents are very traditional and wanted a traditional meal which wasn't in our budget so they paid the extra amount per plate to have it. Then my mom rented these harvest tables I really wanted for the head table but didn't think should spend it. She also got the backdrop for us. His parents paid for half of my dress. Besides that we have paid it all ourselves. I just get so excited about somethings- like my invitations and for them to put a negative few on them really hurt and was done with it all.

Thats so nice you were able to have someone to bounce the vows off of! I haven't done this yet and really need to. I'm not good with words and tad worried about that.

Once the invites go out I know I will recieve some backlash. I didn't invite the 40+ list she gave me as we haven't seen them since been together or even heard of them. My parents didn't give us a list besides people I had already had on my original.

View quoted message This is pretty much the response I get to from my family and FHs family. I now don’t tell anyone anything. LOL. It seems like so much more of a headache when you share something and then get criticized on it. My stepdad was the only one allowed to see my vows because he’s the most supportive person in my life, he won’t share them and he helped me revise them so it flowed. I figure we are paying for our own wedding, so I don’t have to tell them anything. We only have a few weeks left until our wedding and my FMIL just asked What flowers The florist is using the other day. So I shared that with her and it’s far too late for anyone to criticize. If people ask I give them a short dumb down answer. Good luck. Family Has been the most stressful part of wedding planning

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Yea lol I will try to include more with buck and doe and hopefully this helps. I asked his mom if she wanted to get her hair/makeup done with me and she said no and so did my own mom. Thats just another part I did try to include in

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When I text about any details to any parents I get the reply nice or okay. Lol so I feel like it just disappoints so I don't bother!

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Honestly I think that's the most you can do then!

Only other thing I can think of is if you were to ask them what more they want!? lol

You've kept them more in the loop then I am with my parents and Future In-laws!

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My FH is the same way. He is excited to get married, the wedding etc. but he doesn't necessarily care about all the details. I just run them by him and he says yes or no lol.

I have also tried to include my in laws in a lot of stuff but I feel like it is not very well received. We went to check out some venues back in May of last year, tried to make it a day that both sets of parents would be able to attend, and they didn't really try to change things to come, even though we worked around them (my parents are retired so they have tons of spare time lol). This really made my FH upset because they were not there for a big part of wedding planning.

I invited my FMIL dress shopping with my step mom, grandma and sister. She enjoyed that.

When it came to the guest list, it took almost 4 months to finalize it from their side.

We are coming up to the showcase our venue puts on in June. We get in free, and can bring 4 people for $25 each. This is where we pick all our food, room layout, extra decorations etc. So I am hoping both of them can make.

All I keep trying to do is including them in whatever I can. I go over almost every detail with my step mom and dad, but I agree with you that it is just more work to consult both sides every time you make a decision. And I am the type of person to just do a lot on my own.

Completely get where you are coming from!

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I had my mom and bridesmaids come to try dress on with me went to multiple places no luck. I went with his family and ended up finding one.

The food- we had my parents come to the taste testing as wanted their opinion and both families new about what food we wanted.

Decor- I kinda just did this on my own, except for few pieces my mom went and just bought and told me after. Still going to use them.

I just hate having to check with both parents every time along with checking with FH. My FH isnt really into much of the wedding. He cares but isn't interested in much besides food and his suit attire. When they pick out the suits, his parents will be going with him.

I have basically all of my decor and such done. Its just the buck and doe to be completed. Then figure out what we have left of bills lol We will have bridal showers (hoping) my mom wants to do one and assuming his would.

I don't really now what other way to include them in. I already did most of it when something was said but no one has actually said a single thing to me, its all been said to others - which I don't get, why not tell me so could have corrected it long ago.

I would see about including them for things like:

wedding attire (I assume the dress is bought but what about the shoes, jewellery, etc.)

food options (maybe not the tastings but give them the list and maybe let them pick beef over pork?)

decor (instead of having them do a lot of grunt work of looking for donations let them help pick out the decor - of course don't make them pay unless they offer though)

My parents and my FH's parents mostly want to have a say but not necessarily do the work like searching for a vendor to use so it can be tricky to ride that line.