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I'm a stressed out MOH.

Annie, on March 4, 2019 at 08:38 Posted in Before the wedding 0 9

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Good friends of myself and my husband just told us they are engaged and they want to get married at the end of April (yes, THIS April!) and asked me to be MOH and my husband to be the best man. They explained to us that it would be very low key. They would be going to city hall for their ceremony and then a small dinner with us and a few close friends and family members after. This is cutting it close to the wire but perfectly doable so my husband and I were happy to help. We are having our first child mid to late May so we're also trying to get ready for that but with the wedding being pretty cut and dry, we weren't stressed about it.
Well, literally two days later they had changed their minds and now want to plan a full blown traditional wedding for 50-100+ guests for the same date in April (exact date and guest list still to be determined 😕).
The bride and groom are looking to my husband and I for a lot of pointers as we planned and decorated our entire wedding ourselves a few years ago so we're getting a lot of questions but they're hard to give the right answer when we don't know exactly what it is they want to do. Just within a couple days the venue, guest list, outfits, colours, theme etc changed completely so it's confusing. I was even told by my husband the other day that they're thinking of making the wedding a two day event but they only relayed this info to him and not the rest of the wedding party.
The bride has a...flair for the dramatic and becomes very easily overwhelmed. I spent several hours trying to calm her down about what colour underwear she should wear on the day she tries on dresses. It's a bit ridiculous and I really think with as little time as they have to make this happen, details like this shouldn't be focused on so much.
I took her to try on wedding dresses, which, again, became too overwhelming for her very quickly. The sales lady picked out some silhouettes for her and with each dress we would talk about what we liked about it or if there was something she didn't like I would make suggestions. But I was called unhelpful several times. Short of choosing her dress, I really don't know how else I could have helped. I made suggestions or asked what tasks I can do but I still get told I'm not being helpful enough.
I've never been in a wedding party, let alone a MOH but as someone who is married, I still feel like the final decisions and planning should be the responsibility of the bride and groom.
My husband and I along with majority of the rest of the wedding party (we have 4 on each side now) went for a wedding party meeting at the bride and groom's place to discuss the plan but the bride said it was too stressful to talk about so we spent 3 hours there and did not mention the wedding at all. She ended up texting me on our drive home to talk to me about bridesmaid dresses which would have been easier to discuss in person.
One question I do have though is should I be planning a bridal shower? I'm trying to get a bachelorette party together but because of the short notice and limited funds I'm not sure if I can also swing a shower.
As a bride, what do you expect from your MOH? Or if you're a MOH what do you feel your responsibilities are? I want to help as much as I can but I also feel under a lot of pressure with time constraints, lack of communication, very little time to budget and being 7 months pregnant 😞

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9 Comments

Latest activity by Sarah, on April 4, 2019 at 13:34

Newbie April 2019 British Columbia
Sarah · On April 4, 2019 at 13:34
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I’ve been planning my wedding for a year. I’m not having a shower, but friends are planning a bachelorette for me. To even think about planning both in that amount of time is absolutely ridiculous. Don’t do it. I can’t believe you are being put in this situation. And being pregnant too! I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all in thinking that this is too much.
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Master August 2019 Ontario
Bianca · On March 4, 2019 at 22:26
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The bride sounds bonkers if she thinks she's going to pull off some extravagant wedding in less than 2 months.
I'm literally expecting nothing from my MOH except to show up and wear a fancy dress. She's obviously doing more than this, but I wouldn't ask her to do what your friend is expecting of you (and you're pregnant too, OMG).
I say do your best but put yourself and your baby first (and don't bother with a bridal shower!). Nothing is so important that it should stress you out when you're expecting.
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Expert September 2019 Manitoba
Kelly · On March 4, 2019 at 16:10
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Girl, this is nuts.
If this is overwhelming you, then you need to be upfront with her and say you still want to be there for her on her wedding day, but you're 7 months pregnant and can't be expected to take on her planning burdens. This girl decided she wants a big wedding in one month, then she can damn well plan that wedding in one month. She doesn't have time to be indecisive. She better stand on her own 2 feet and get planning. Sorry... I just really don't think this is your problem and you shouldn't be feeling stressed about it. If it all falls apart, its will not be on you. Just know that.
As for the shower, I don't think its down to you to plan both that AND the bachelorette. I would suggest contacting either the rest of the bridal party or the bride's mother and see if they can tackle the shower. Just explain that you'd love to plan it, but with the time constraints, you can only handle planning one. That is a reasonable request and I'm sure they would understand.
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Expert April 2019 Alberta
Michelle · On March 4, 2019 at 15:47
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Okay this is CRAZY. It's only like a month and a half away!! I do not think it is required of you to throw a shower. Bachlorette yes- shower no. If you feel bad about her not having a shower maybe reach out to some of her close family members or other friends and ask if they'd like to co-host?
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Master October 2019 Ontario
Allison · On March 4, 2019 at 13:31
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As a bride, I'm definitely not expecting as much from my MOH as your friend is from you! My MOH is only in charge or the bachelorette, signing the license, getting her outfit, giving a speech, not much after that.
My wedding party is scattered over Canada so it's difficult for us to go dress shopping/any pre-wedding activities together, but I know they'll pull through for the wedding and are always there to talk (on the phone).
A lot of the decisions, like you mentioned, should definitely fall on the bride/groom. Yes, your friend will look to you for advice, especially since you've been married before but you shouldn't be picking out the bride's underwear!
To be honest, your friend isn't being fair to you with the tight timelines, constant changing her mind, being overwhelmed by everything. I'm taking 2 years to plan a wedding, and your friend is trying to do it all in 2 months! Also you are pregnant, and isn't the number one thing doctors tell pregnant people to not stress? If your friend was still doing the small city hall wedding, it definitely is doable, but a traditional wedding in 2 months is kind of unrealistic - especially if she can't make up her mind and gets overwhelmed easily. If I were you, I'd think about stepping down, if not for your sake, for your baby's sake.
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Master October 2019 Ontario
Casey · On March 4, 2019 at 10:14
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WOW. I feel like your friend should have just stuck to the smaller wedding ceremony etc if she gets this overwhelmed. That is a lot of stress to put on you being pregnant! I could never expect that of someone!
There is only so much you can do and handle before things start getting out of hand.
I would not stress about the wedding shower, especially at such short notice.
My MOH lives in Australia (my sister) and I am not expecting a lot from her, she has a 1 year old and is trying for another one, so I am not trying to put a lot of stress on her. But between her and my step mom they are planning the bachelorette, and thats about it.
Maybe try passing off the bridal shower to someone else in the wedding party?
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Top August 2017 Ontario
Vinod · On March 4, 2019 at 09:44
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As a MOH and mother to be, you shouldn't have to deal with all this stress and your friends wedding planning drama. She is being way too much of a undecided bridezilla and she knows it. The short time she has and no accomplishments due to blaming you for it.
I don't believe you should hold a shower for her if she is treating you unfairly and personally just step down as a MOH due to the reason you have a baby. Its hard to say continue and let her rant to you as she doesn't appreciate your help. I would say do the opposite and let her deal with everything and then she will come to you on her senses to take your advise.
You and your husband should be guests at their wedding rather than the wedding party. I say that with all honesty.
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Top October 2019 Manitoba
Tori · On March 4, 2019 at 09:09
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Wow bridezilla a little.... she can just... do it herself at this point tbh...
If I was you I would just tell her, with the baby coming and her wedding being all over the place, no communication, etc. you can either step down - or she can figure out what she wants and you can follow through. No more guessing.
As well if you do stay on as MOH, like Stephanie said - don't worry and fret over it. It's not your wedding and it's up to her to get this done. If it doesn't turn out the way she envisions it, sucks to be her.
All I am asking of my MOH is to put together the bachelorette party. Not even the wedding shower! That's for the MOB and MOG to do.
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VIP May 2019 Ontario
Stephanie · On March 4, 2019 at 08:53
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Ok first off this is way too much to burden on any MOH and ESPECIALLY one who is pregnant!!! The only thing I ever wanted my MOH to do was help with the bridal shower and bachelorette and any little things maybe! But I would never even think to stress her out over so many details.... and with such a tight time frame! I would offer her some pointers from your wedding but be clear to her what you did you did with a much longer time frame! It's her wedding! Give pointers but dont stress yourself over her day. Theres only so much you can handle. And if you have to back out of some things because you're pregnant. DO IT. YOURE PREGNANT AND DONT NEED THAT EXTRA STRESS!
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