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Expert December 2018 Ontario

How to convince someone not to throw me a shower

Emma, on September 26, 2018 at 12:45 Posted in Before the wedding 0 8

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So this is a second wedding for both me and my fiancé. We aren’t doing any of the prewedding things like engagement party, bachelor/bachelorette, rehersal dinners etc. The only wedding part we have is our kids.

But one close friend of mine really wants to throw me a shower. I don’t want one at all. I think it’s tacky for people our age, who have been common law for years, and both been married before, to have a shower. It will make me super uncomfortable and I know people like my sister. sister in law, etc etc, would come but wouldn’t really “want to”. Cause like me they would think it’s a little crazy.

Ive already tried the “that’s so sweet, but you really don’t have to”. But it didn’t work.

I need help ladies!!! How do I convince her not to have one but not hurt her feelings?

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Latest activity by Emma, on September 30, 2018 at 10:07

Expert December 2018 Ontario
Emma · On September 30, 2018 at 10:07
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Thanks guys. I’m having lunch with her this week and i’ll Let her know how I feel. I just don’t want to disappoint her.
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Expert October 2018 Saskatchewan
Clarissa · On September 27, 2018 at 12:07
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Like other said sit down with her and be blunt that you personally do not want a shower. She probably just wants to do something to help celebrate and bring friends together.

Would you be open to a compromise? Maybe a afternoon lunch or dinner party but make it clear no gifts. Just good food and friends to celebrate the upcoming wedding. Your friends are excited for you and want to show their support so if at all possible find a balance that your comfortable with.
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British Columbia
Brittany · On September 26, 2018 at 15:56
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I wasn't putting down your choices, that was meant to be light-hearted ... I totally understand personal preference... I'm a "young" (26 yrs) bride, but I'm totally at a loss for my bachelorette... I hate going out and getting drunk. My sisters (36 and 25) are both appalled I'm not dying to go to Vegas... So I understand people not always agreeing with your preferences.
As long as you guys are doing what you're happy with, you're on the right track. It must have been great to have a mini pre-wedding getaway with just the two of you!
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Master October 2019 Ontario
Casey · On September 26, 2018 at 15:56
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Being honest with her and saying you don't want one may be the best way.
If they still want to do something for you, maybe a nice dinner or lunch. This way all the ladies can get together before the wedding but not have to worry about planning games, or bringing gifts
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Expert December 2018 Ontario
Emma · On September 26, 2018 at 15:51
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Sorry. It’s not that we don’t think we “deserve” those festivities. We just don’t have much interest in them. We’ve just done our own thing. For example we went away on “pre-wedding” getaway (just a couple days) alone (we have 3 kids at home still). And we will do a pre-wedding dinner the night before with just us and the kids.

You guys are right and I will just have to be upfront with her about how I feel.
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Super July 2019 Ontario
Jennifer · On September 26, 2018 at 15:48
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If she isn't getting the "that's really kind of you...but we don't have to". you need to be blunt with her.
my FMIL said she would message my bridesmaids about having a bridal shower for me. and I told her flat out NO. that I am not having a shower. I do not want one. I told her that the premise of a shower is to help you set up your home. My home is set up (I am on my 2nd purchased home). She was not impressed with me. but she has YET to message any of my bridesmaids (the one she would be most likely to message will tell her no as well and that they will not go against my wishes"
like Allison said....she may be just really excited that you are getting married. and want to do something special for you. if that's the case...talk to her about having a girls night or day (dinner. or a mini spa day etc). give her some alternatives where you can "control" the list or something.
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British Columbia
Brittany · On September 26, 2018 at 15:45
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Honestly, I think you need to be blunt. I agree with Allison, maybe she just wants to be involved and you could give her something else to do/help with... Maybe even just have a dinner or luncheon for your close girl friends/family members, but no gifts, no theme, no games. Just a mini "I'm getting married" celebration.
I do disagree with you on one thing, just because you've been married before, and have been together a while, doesn't mean you don't deserve to indulge in the frivolities of pre-wedding festivities like a "normal" bride... Getting married to someone you love is exciting at any age, or stage of life, and you deserve to celebrate it! I understand not wanting the same things as say, a 24 year old would... but you don't have to feel silly or uncomfortable for wanting to be excited! Good luck!
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Master October 2019 Ontario
Allison · On September 26, 2018 at 14:22
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Unfortunately, I don't know if there is a way to convince her. You might be able to sit down and explain your situation: that you've been married before, that you have been common law for years and that you don't need a shower.
Maybe suggest treating this friend to dinner, she might really just want to celebrate your upcoming wedding and since you're not doing any pre-wedding parties, she might have thought you wanted them but didn't have someone to organise?
I'm trying to convince my mom/god mother that the don't need to throw me a shower but I know they both want to. It's mine and my FH's first wedding, I'm young, and we live 18 hours away from where we are from. My biggest concern is that the shower = gifts and I usually fly to go from Thunder Bay (where we are) to London (where we're getting married, my hometown).
If they had it where I live now, we run the risk of not having a lot of people show up since it's far away from everyone. If they had it in London, more people would come, but would have to find a way to bring back gifts. I could drive, but as I said, it's 18 hours away.
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