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Amanda
Curious September 2022 Ontario

Fire a bridesmaid?

Amanda, on December 13, 2021 at 00:39 Posted in Before the wedding 0 8
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Hey guys
so im just hoping for some advice. my brothers girlfriend who im somewhat close with is being super distant from me lately. she avoids my messages, refuses to go help my mom find a bridal shower venue (i had to go instead), she keeps using the excuse “im busy” but on instagram she posts herself at home watching netflix, or having brunch with her friends. obviously my wedding is a priority to her. it hurts me because even when i reached out because she hasnt been around for a few weeks she straight up ignores me. she doesnt reply to me. she is refusing to come to a birthday dinner (1.5hr event later in the evening) stating “im working” but she isnt. we work at the same place, i see the schedule.
idk what to do at this point. i cant talk to her face to face because she ignores me. and next time ill probably see her is christmas & i dont want to cause a scene at christmas. what should i do?& oh my brother is the man of honor at my wedding.

8 Comments

Latest activity by Jenn, on December 15, 2021 at 11:38
  • Jenn
    Frequent user August 2023 Ontario
    Jenn ·
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    Hey Amanda,

    I am so sorry that you are dealing with this - I can imagine the hurt and confusion you are feeling around the whole thing.

    Here are a few options I see:

    1. I know you said that your brother will always support the GF, but what if you approach a convo with your brother on the situation differently? Try to spin it as you being concerned about HER and HER time, and that maybe she will feel better being his +1 instead of a member of the bridal party - you can also even tell him she can still be invited to be a part of wedding planning things, but at least there is no pressure. (I suggest this, as it sounds like your brother already has his back up against the wall when it comes to his GF, so going this direction may get a better response)

    2. If she is "soo" busy, is your brother and her also not seeing each other? If they are still seeing each other often, maybe try inserting plans the GF has said she would be a part of into convo with your bro so he knows what is going on? "Hey, is _____ looking forward to joining mom next week looking at _______ for the shower?"

    3. Have a "Come to Jesus" talk with her (or text) like Hank suggested. Lay it out there for her (but again, stress you value her time and your relationship). If she says she will step it up, great, if she backs out or continues to ghost you - at least you have your answer and can move forward.

    You mentioned that you don't exactly have other options of people who can stand in if she is no longer a BM, and the good news is, you don't have to replace her if you don't want to - it's your day, and having an un-even number bridal party will still be beautiful

    Good luck either way, and please keep us posted.

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  • Amanda
    Curious September 2022 Ontario
    Amanda ·
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    View quoted message
    Yeah i have others but they arent vaccinated ..


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  • Hank
    Featured September 2021 Ontario
    Hank ·
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    Maybe instead of firing her, you ask if she prefers to step down. Say you notice she's been MIA so you figure she's busy and need to deal with her own stuff. Reiterate that there are no hard feelings.

    One of three things will happen:

    1) she takes it as an out and explicitly accepts the offer to step down

    2) she makes excuses and insists on staying, which you can then reiterate your expectations

    3) she ignores you, which is also another sign that she wants out (inaction is an action)

    Do you have anyone else in your bridal party besides your brother and his gf?

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  • Amanda
    Curious September 2022 Ontario
    Amanda ·
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    My brother will support her no matter what. even if shes in the wrong. if any of us say one bad thing about her he freaks out at us.
    my brother doesnt want to do anything. he does what i ask him (which has been absolutely minimal) but you can tell he doesnt want to do it.
    i dont know if she just wants an out, or if shes just being awful to me. this all so frustrating. but i cant talk to someone who wont reply to my messages now can i? lol
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  • Hank
    Featured September 2021 Ontario
    Hank ·
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    You could cite how she's always dropping out of attending things last minute. And I would hope your brother is more reasonable. Has he been flaking on any of his commitments? And honestly, if she's been flaking this much, she clearly doesn't want to be bothered so you letting her go gently might just be what she needs to have an out.

    If she insists on staying, explain your expectations once again.

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  • Amanda
    Curious September 2022 Ontario
    Amanda ·
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    I literally havent asked them to do anything!!!! she said she wanted to be at the venue hunt, said she’d help us find places. found 0 places for the shower. sent 0 emails to any shower venue. the date we confirmed a tour she said she was available, but 2 days before (sorry i cant come). she said she wanted to be at the makeup trial and hair trial, but now shes busy. but now shes just ignoring all my messages. its super hurtful.
    but i fear if i drop her my brother will freak out and walk on me too.
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  • Hank
    Featured September 2021 Ontario
    Hank ·
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    Were all your expectations for bridesmaids communicated when you asked them to join your bridal party? If so, just send her a note and let her go gently. Tell her that it doesn't seem like she's able to take on the responsibilities and it would be easier on her to just attend as a guest.

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