Engagement ring dilemma: Engaged for months and now fell in love with a different setting

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For sure! It was not anything elaborate at all, literally just walked into the door of our home and got done on one knee and presented the ring haha. I might have cried. Again.

I look at it this way, you have to be able to communicate to your FH about anything and everything, so this is just one of those everything. It's gonna suck to bring it up but once you work through it you and he will feel amazing and be stronger for it

View quoted message I love this, if I work up the nerve to discuss with fiancé, I will definitely mention how cute a re proposal could be 💕

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I think it was a month after getting engaged that I finally fessed up that I didn't like the ring. We went to the jewelers and basically the only option they gave us was to do a trade up, but the ring we chose would have to be double what the original was, which was totally out of the budget. We kinda put it on hold until we went wedding band shopping, which was in February (so a year later).

My fiance paid for all of the rings. I've been making all the other wedding payments.

View quoted message I can’t tell you how much better I feel reading this!!
How long after getting engaged did you start redesigning the setting? And did you pay for the changes made? Or FH did?

Oh gosh. This. Was. Me! I feel you, and I had posted something similar about feeling totally guilty/how to bring it up to my fiance, and was hit with so many messages of "you should just love it because its what he picked for you", and while I did, I knew I didn't like it, which made me terribly sad.

And I know what you mean. I had told my fiance that I didn't want anything fussy. Simple band. Round stone. But I had never tried on rings either and how was I to know!

I knew if I wasn't honest with my fiance, it would eat away at me forever. It was REALLY hard to tell him. He had bought it months before proposing, so the window for exchanges had already passed.

When shopping for wedding bands, we quickly realized that NOTHING went with my setting. Everything looked terrible. So we switched out the setting for slimmer band, and I was able to get the wedding band I liked. We got a decent discount on the new setting for the gold from my old setting.

Its still not the ring I would have chosen. I like it better with the new setting, and even more with the wedding band. But having tried on rings now, and if I could go back in time, I would have chosen an oval or cushion diamond with a sparkly band.

I hated my engagement ring when my fiancé proposed. It was white gold (I’m allergic), halo cut, thin band, yellow oval diamond. I had told him repeatedly that I’m allergic to white gold, that I wanted a Canadian diamond princess cut, the band had to have some substance so I wouldn’t feel like I’d wreck it, and I didn’t want it to stick up to much because i didn’t want to catch it on everything. It was everything I didn’t want.
So, we started with getting the band changed to yellow gold. I still wasn’t happy.
Then, my 85 year old aunt who was married to my uncle for 70 years when he died said “It may not be what you wanted, but it perfectly captures how he sees you: unique, delicate and beautiful. You can still be a strong woman with a dainty ring.”
That shifted my perspective and from that point forward the ring has grown on me.
Yes, I’m the one wearing it but it’s a reminder of the unique beauty he sees in me...that sometimes I don’t see in myself.

Hey Scarlett - so I (sort of) went through a similar situation. I was always adamant that I did not really care about what the ring looked like, as long as he picked it, We did go try on rings once for fun, and I liked the pear shape stone the most but I didn't really stress it. So cue to engagement where fiance proposed, and I see the ring, and my heart just sunk. It was a circle cut and I just did not like it at all, I could not imagine wearing that everyday. I tried to be objective from the ring though because the love of my life just proposed in this fairy tale setting and it was just a ring that I was not supposed to have much of an opinion on (so I said). So I spent 45 minutes on this lovely sleigh ride with my fiance, all snuggled up but he KNEW something was wrong and so once we left the sleigh ride and were in the car in a private setting, he said "You don't like the ring do you?" and I genuinely could not lie to him so I started to cry and said no, I just don't. I really wanted a pear shape apparently. FH did not even bat an eye, he just "Ok great. Monday we will go pick one out that you want, no problem at all." It was that easy! I felt so guilty, but FH said he took a chance with very little input from me and knew it was a risk so had resigned himself to having to pick out a ring together afterwards. And everything was golden. It was a growth opportunity in our relationship as well.

So it sucked having to admit I didn't like the ring because I wanted to love it because he chose it, but I knew I would never be 100% happy with it, and the sooner we got that out in the open the better. I would be honest with your FH and just explain how its not remotely this fault in anyway, but you do have to wear this ring for the rest of your life.

In terms of paying for it, FH did give me his top of the line budget and we went back to the jeweller, ended up having to custom make something but I respected his budget and we went with that. When we got the ring back, he "re proposed" and I had a completely 180 reaction to the ring, it WAS PERFECT. So in this case, I would talk to him about it and see his reaction. At the end of the day, he did buy you a ring, and if you need to put some money into it to make it perfect, its really just your net worth your using anyway. So you are still buying it together.

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He would have payed for it - but that's our dynamic really. He makes double what I make and he is very much one of those "I'm the man, I provide for this family".

I would have had no problem contributing what I could though if I had to, I'm sure your FH would either say he can help pay and if the ring you have stretched his budget all out I'm sure that you could find a way to put the cost of changing the ring into your wedding budget?

Me and my FH don't even monitor who pays for what as we have a joint bank account and everything - no secrets financially! Although he makes more, he was the one in debt and I was the one with a massive savings account because that's who we are

View quoted message I think if you offer to pay to have it done, since you changed your mind, it’ll be easier to digest.

View quoted message That really makes me feel a lot better. Thanks 😊 I’m so happy your ring grew on you!
Im curious though, if you had wanted to actually change your ring, was FH going to pay for part or all of the changes? I’m really wondering how to approach that part of the dilemma

Not ungrateful at all! I got my ring custom made and to be honest - because it was custom, it's not perfect. At first I really didn't like that it wasn't symmetrical and I did bring it up to my FH - he was completely fine with me wanting it to be sent back and get something I love, almost encouraging of it! Of course, I took some time to think it over and the ring grew on me It's one of a kind, even if that's because it's imperfect.

Letting your FH know how you feel about the ring is good and that its not his fault for not knowing what you wanted in the first place. Compromising on the cost may be a fair thing. The other way I would look at this situation is to wait until you pick your actual wedding band and get what you want and then upgrade that time for the fitting so it would look cohesive and get it done together. Whichever direction works for you both is always a good solution knowing it makes him happy to know and your heart feel fulfilled.

View quoted message I agree, I’m just worried that I will seem ungrateful. Not sure how to bring it up without seeming that way

You're not a terrible person for changing your mind. A number of people at some people reset their engagement rings or upgrade stones and such.

When you bring it up to FH tell him that he did a great job choosing a ring based on the guidelines that you had originally given him. I would make sure to stress that it was you who changed your mind and not him who made a mistake by buying you the ring that he did. say that you should have tried on rings before and made a mistake by not doing that and that though the ring you received is beautiful, you are thinking you'd prefer a different setting.

I'm sorry to say that I don't think you should ask him to pay for the new setting. You are the one who changed your mind and he gave you the ring you initially asked for. If you want to change it I think it's on you to pay and if it means a lot to you for him to pay for your engagement ring then keep the one you have and find a way to like it, or maybe wait for a few years for him to buy you an upgraded ring as an anniversary ring or something.

Maybe also look into cheaper alternatives that you yourself can afford like a solitaire moissanite or CZ.

Hi Scarlett!

I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't in love with your ring any more. In my opinion, honesty is the best policy. I would let you FH know and come up with a plan together on how you would like to resolve it.