Dreading the wedding

I feel the same, my cousin's wedding is next weekend and our family is making so much drama and trouble for him. It will be even worse for me cause they don't even like my FH and his fam is even worse, big loud Italian family. No one is helping us, the best I can hope for is that his mom stops asking to 'borrow' money long enough for me to pay for a wedding. I started planning but the more I do the more I think I shouldn't do it at all. I'm often jealous of people who have good loving supportive families. FH and I are such a good match cause we understand each other and what it's like to deal with them but that just makes the whole wedding thing that much harder.

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I completely understand how you are feeling (wedding stress wise), there was times I was ready to just run away with my FH and do our own thing, come back say its canceled we already eloped and BAM! now your all now invited to our post wedding day celebration. But obviously it didn't happen that way for me lol. The advice I would give you is remember you are starting your own new life with your FH, and the two of you and the love you have for each other is the most important thing, plan your wedding as best as you can since its so close to the date. Who ever doesn't want to come that's there problem, don't engage in any of your family or his families negative vibes, ignore it. Ignorance really is bliss, I would even go as far as to leave your phone at home sometimes. I definitely had a few cries and its okay to cry, it can get intense, especially with family drama. I can only imagine how you are feeling! Keep your spirits up it may seem impossible but there is a way and a silver lining! I believe it will all work out for you, and soon it will just be a memory to look back it.

Honestly? If the families are a pain in the ass and you're stressing out about the cost of throwing the wedding... if you haven't already lost too much on deposits, I'd consider scrapping the wedding entirely and just taking a trip somewhere to elope. If you want to celebrate with friends, throw a small reception at a restaurant when you get back.

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I wish I could.

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We actually are doing the courthouse thing before the wedding. Its cheaper that way and the marriage certificate comes much quicker in the US. The wedding reception is really just a formality. My parents are traditional and religious so they're already really weirded out that Im not getting married in a church. The wedding reception is more for my fiances family, as he is the only grandchild expected to get married, and I basically don't want to ruin the experience for them. They would probably be pretty devastated if we cancelled it, and I cant afford to burn more bridges now. I really only have 2 friends because working full time through my BSc, and getting grades to apply to an ivy league grad school was super gruelling and I didnt have any time for socializing. Now its like my only family left has turned on me. But honestly right now I can barely mentally think about a wedding and being excited, I feel like I just need a month to hide and recover from all the drama and personal trauma Ive been through in the last 5 years. I feel like maybe I should try to be more excited but honestly ever since I got engaged its been a disaster. I told my parents first and they yelled and cried and lectured us for 4 hours and I still haven't recovered. I've seen 3 therapists but haven't felt like anything has been remotely resolved. Everyone says I need to cut them out but honestly that isnt something I can do. I already cut my dad and his family out because of emotional abuse and other things, and its haunted me since, and I really need to hold onto my family. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when we were just dating and be happy again, but I think things will never be the same again, the hurt has already happened. I have been strong and have not turned to any vices like drugs or eating, but I feel really drained emotionally.

I think the most important thing to remember is that it’s YOUR wedding, whatever you want or need to do ( regardless of what friends or family say); that’s what’s right. I feel like weddings are the time where you decide who’s ripe for cutting from your life. There is also nothing stopping you from going to a courthouse, legally getting married and then having your actual wedding later when you’re ready for it (no officiant or witnesses necessary. It’s unorthodix by western standards but takes a lot of pressure off)

Have you considered eloping?

There is actually nothing stopping you from cancelling and you and your fiancé going to the courthouse and getting married with just the two of you (and possibly a couple close friends) there. You need to do what you and your fiancé want. This wedding is about you and him, not anybody else.

Perhaps you could make a list of what you are excited for about that day? At very least a countdown to when it will be all over? If you have your wedding dress already in your hands then perhaps try it on and think about what the wedding is all leading up to - you and your fiance saying those words that commit you guys together for life! lol I hope it doesn't stay so dull and you can find a light at the end of this tunnel

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Hi Julia,

We would if we could, but he is American and we already have a place together in the USA, so unless we get married I risk getting deported. They're not being kind to immigrants right now.

Thank you all for your kind words. I really want to be excited, but I am also very introverted and the thought of having all those people around me is stressful. I wish I knew a way to get excited like I was a year ago.

Kaye

Every brides goes through family drama and stress. Maybe elope? Bring a few close friends. This wedding should be about you and your happiness. Talk with your fiancee.

Sorey to hear your family isn't wanting happiness for you. Its a terrible ordeal they are putting you through.

I had no idea you had a flooding and it does take more out of you for sure.

I hope your day goes well and having friends that still care for you are going to be there.

Weddings should be a happy time and a time that everyone can come together to celebrate the love between you and your fiancé. I completely understand how planning and trying to get everything together with a small budget can be difficult, and sometimes you cannot rely on help from others. Have you considered pushing the engagement a little longer, and getting married a little further down the way, when the wedding wouldn't be something that causes problems?

That's what me and my fiancé did, we got a lot of heat for waiting so long to get married, and continuously got asked when we were going to get married, but we just weren't ready then financially. We have been saving for a few years little by little, and we are still saving, but we are in a position where the wedding isn't going to be something we dread.

And remember, the wedding should be for you, not for the people around you.

I feel for you that you are dreading the wedding. Your wedding should be a happy celebration. Maybe if it’s financially straining approach his family and say thank you for the support, but that you aren’t able to afford certain things. It hard tha your family is not being supportive. I hope that things come around for you and remember it is your wedding and you decide what is important to make the day special for you and your fiancé. I wish you good luck with everything.

Your discussion title makes me sad. A wedding should be a happy thing and from the sounds of it, yours isn't going to make you happy. Is there anything you could change to make it better? Would cancelling and eloping work out better? I know it might leave people disappointed/angry, but if you and your FH aren't happy about the upcoming nuptials, you should really consider changing something.

Best of luck

View quoted message I really wish we could do the dinner thing but we would never hear the end of it. His family has contributed to the wedding financially but its still challenging to work in the rest when we live paycheck to paycheck
I am already estranged with half my family and really dont want to have to push out the other half

Weddings should be about celebrating you two as a couple. If your family wouldn’t celebrate and support you than maybe they don’t even deserve an invite.

if his family can’t understand you two are on a budget and realize that seating charts aren’t the main focus, then either they help with some funds or zip it.

sorry you’re having so much family stress, you should only be looking forward to this day not resenting it. Maybe you and your fiancé and the people who care about you go have a nice meal and party without the negativity.

View quoted message Hi Vinod.

My family and I have been seeing councellors but they insist they will not support the wedding. My fiances family is picky about the food and bar and seating chart when i dont give a damn. Ive only put $500 down on the wedding so far. We are both pretty poor and I recently had my apartment flood and got displaced for 7 weeks which has strained me further. Luckily only 2/3 of our invitees are coming.

Both families need to come together and clear the air with all issues at hand. Any concerns or feelings can't be held back without the drama. You two may just not want them around if all this continues onwards.

About the payments and vendors, are you ready to forfit half of the deposits put down?

If choosing to go forward, are you two should get the families issues resolved and have them present. I do wish you luck and hope all works out.